Sunday, 14 October 2012

Intolerable Fashion: Top 5 Worst Male Trends in SL Today


"For bad taste to flourish, the good need only say nothing ..." 

Meet Gavin - the sum of all I hate.
Since starting Every Second Man a mere three months or so ago, I've only written about things I like. Not that everything I like is perfect, of course, and not that everything I've chosen not to blog has been stuff I positively dislike. However, there is a lot out there that I do positively dislike; stuff that makes me grumble, huff and puff and wonder at the youth of today; stuff that makes me feel old and cranky and out of touch. 

It was while bemoaning such delightful trends as the ankle knickers with my blogging companion Harper Beresford that I hit upon the idea of writing a 'Top 5' list, but a cautionary list that documents the very worst fashion trends in SL at the moment. It's subjective, it's biased and (from looking over the pictures) it's a horror show. Harper has compiled her list (which you can read by clicking here) and you can now read my Top 5 list here, counting up to the very worst. Set your throats to gag and your stomachs to churned: this is ESM's Top 5 Worst Male Trends in SL. 

#5: Talentless Tanks & Tedious Tees
Now, let's be clear that I have nothing against tank tops or tee shirts per se. What I'm referring to is the proliferation in SL of bland, boring or badly textured tanks and tees (particularly mesh ones) in which someone has just taken a template and slapped a trite or lazy design on it. Mesh tanks often look particularly rubbish because they fit so badly, so camming from any angle other than straight on often leaves you looking straight into or straight through the body. Men of SL: we can do better and, if we are going to insist on wearing tanks, let's at least buy those that are well designed and have had a modicum of thought put into them. 

Only a true man can pull off the 'scribbled on by a kid with a marker' look. Now that's badass!
Talking of bad ass ...
#4 Indefensible Ink & Pernicious Piercings
I fell asleep at a party once (yes, I may have had one spritzer too many), and my brother thought it would be amusing to give my four year old nephew a black marker pen and encourage him to express himself on the insensible canvas of my face. The random scribblings and seemingly cathartic self-expression that this boy left behind were considerably more aesthetic than many examples of 'body art' out there. Body art, be it ink or metal, can be breathtakingly beautiful. But please, exercise some restraint and don't look like someone loaded a blunderbuss with studs and bolts are shot you in the face, nor me after that party. 

#3 Slapdash Slogans
This is closely related to #5, but ... wow! ... the slogans on some of these items! Examples of such wit (deftly edited to protect my British sensibilities): Suck my [clock] ... Bend over and take it, [female canine]! ... and, most inanely, Sex. 

So, you're no doubt concluding that Blaise is a big prude with no sense of humour and he should just lighten up on this. Well, aside from the blatant misogyny, my biggest problem with these slogans is that they are so utterly lacking in anything approaching wit or humour! And (maybe I'm completely out of touch here) do they even work? Are there any women out there who see such a shirt and think: 'Now there's an intelligent man who I think I'd like to know a little better! And with a shirt like that, he must be awfully humorous!' 

I think what really gets to me about these slogans, what really depresses me and weighs me down at night, is the thought that there is someone out there who sat at a computer and actually thought to himself: "Now. I want a slogan for this t-shirt, and I want it to be funny. What can I write?" And the very best he came up with was Sex. I mean, it doesn't even have the shock value of the others! There's a Facebook page out there somewhere that you can 'like' to show you've lost all faith in humanity. I don't know why that's suddenly come into my mind. 

Those ears ...
#2 Egregious Ears
We've arrived at the first fad that nauseates me without fail. You know what they are - they're the stretched earlobes that flop and flap in the wind, or at least they will do as soon as someone adds physics to them. Oh my. I love ears, and I love ear lobes. What purpose do ear lobes serve other than to be amorously tickled and nibbled on? Here though is a fiendishly gruesome accident just waiting to happen. Young Tracy loves young Gavin (names have been changed to reflect lazy English stereotypes). Tracy is a keen proponent of the 'shot with a blunderbuss' brand of nose, eyebrow, lip, cheek and any other other available facial space piercings; Gavin that of earlobe stretching. Imagine, in the heat of ecstasy, as Tracy and Gavin celebrate their union of vapidity, disaster strikes! Gavin's trailing lobes snag on Tracy's septum spear and, with a soft pop, their love evaporates, Tracy quickly realising that Kevin's 'Hard As [Fornication]' tank top is erroneous. I hate to invoke the rationale of Health & Safety but if it stems the tide of this dangling trend, so be it. 

#1 Base Baggies & Sadistic Saggies
I don't even know what these are called - I'm not sure I want to know. They're just the trousers or shorts with the gusset somewhere between your knees and ankles. Does anyone actually like them? They appeared and proliferated so quickly that I really don't think anyone had time to stop and think and realise the oh-so-obvious truth: they're bloody awful!

Instead of looking cool, urbane or suave, you just look like a kid who's gone shopping without his Mum for the first time. We guys like to flatter ourselves, we really do. And when we're deficient in any department, we're well known for trying to compensate. But, men of SL, we're fooling nobody: no one's balls need that much swing room! And if they do, for God's sake see a doctor.

It's not just us, though. The women are up to this as well. From the aforementioned ankle knickers to breast physics that register on the Richter scale, bad taste and fashion faux pas are everywhere we look. Harper Beresford has been investigating also and you can read her chilling around by clicking here. In the meantime, take action, men of SL. Purge your inventories, write letters to designers and refuse to accept a dance with any woman who looks like a fish. Together we can stop this. Together we can stand up and be counted and cry as one: No more! 

Harper made this video, though I think she just wanted to show off her script-writing skills.
It's a horror show, torture porn, sadistic. Viewer discretion is seriously advised.

What's your opinion? Have I made any glaring omissions from this countdown of sartorial shame? Or am I off-the-mark, out of touch, unappreciative of the beauty the new trends bring? Please let me know.


  1. Doesn't the "Sex" slogan mean the same thing as the "Peace" slogan? As in, I'm all for it, unlike the people who hate sex and peace?
    We have "So You Think You Can Dance" TV contest (I love it) over here in the new world, with your Cat Daley hosting, and the first runner up in this fierce competition had the hoop earlobes; it might be an ethnic trend of some kind?
    And "swing room" ... maybe they do need an actual room?
    Loved the piece!!

  2. u r soooo hawt! cn i have your prim babys?

    ~ Honey Booboo

    PS Link me back, doofus ;)

  3. omg im totally with you on those horrible pants xD

  4. I love this post, not because I agree with every comment expressed in it, but because you actually have an opinion and are not afraid to articulate it. This was a blog post worth reading AND it made me laugh. Loved it!

  5. Not Prokofy - someone else truely14 October 2012 at 16:46

    I cannot see mesh as I refuse to use anything other than Viweer 1.23 al eth others are simplt techno-commie crap.

    However you do seem a nice young man, do you like Sion Chickens and cats and women who are Crazy Cat Ladies, if so you are in luck.

  6. Thank you for your comments everyone ... quite a few IM'd too with suggestions as to other things that should have made the list, or perhaps the list should have been longer! Maybe there will be a follow up article in the future : o )

  7. Hi Blaise, i realy liked this post. And i agree with Aphroditebrianna ..i like it because you express your opinion.. that video is so funny )))
    I think you two must have had much fun doing this.